THOUGHTS

“You gradually get over the pain. It doesn’t go away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with. One morning you wake up and he’s not the first thing on your mind. And then a few months down the lineyou realize you’ve made it through half the day without thinking of him. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes, years, but eventually you reach a point when you only think about them occassionally. You manage to do this because you don’t see them, you don’t hear about them, you try not to think about them. And then you bump into them walking down the street, or someone unexpected mentions their name… and the memories come flooding back.” - Via cacopony

This totally describes how I feel. Well to be honest a feeling I have been having for quite some time since we last walked out of each other lives. As soon as other people start entering your lives and somehow become part of your life they will contribute to how you are feeling and when they leave, more heartache. I am that kind of person who is getting used to people leaving (should be getting used to it actually) because I have lost friends, some really close ones before. I still dont understand why I have to get so emotional over people until today. I should be getting used to this, but why does it feel that i am still stuck at square one? Why am I so fucking sensitive to everything?

I still think of you at times even though we rarely talk hardly ever see each other. I still wonder whether your life is going good. It's been already a fucking year since everything started. From that awkward conversations to confessing how I feel to ending up being someone that I never thought I would be so madly in love with. There is this still some tiny bit of feeling left inside that just cant seem to go away no matter how hard I try. Is this the answer to why I cant bring myself to love another one just as how I loved you? Even though there were negative feelings in-between, I loved every moment we had together. All those phone calls and staying up at each other's places till our parents get mad. Everything, everything was worthwhile and the best part about us is that we knew we had each other's back. We could always count on each other no matter what. I still remembered that day when you cried your eyes out over emotions that you bottled up. I can never forget that day when you said you want to do anything to make me happy because i make you feel warm and alive on the inside when we're together.

Sometimes i wonder whether it was meant to end like this. We were perfect together but some things changed along the way. Negative feelings start building up and soon hatred and irritation and then the whole picture just becomes so fucking ugly. I admit, you're somehow special to me because you were the first person to really make me feel so special, like i'm the only one in the whole world whom you trust.

I dont know how long more will this last but i know for sure if I want to move on I must completely forget. I feel as though this is holding me back from really becoming the happy person who I am on the outside in front of everyone. I know this is not permanent but why do I feel that this is going to be a tough process to complete?

Wherever you are, I hope you are doing well and I hope you haven't forgotten some of the things I have taught you before. I hate doing long emo posts in this space but I feel this is the only place where I can let everything out without having to feel that I am lost for words when it comes to describing the common question everyone asks "What's wrong?" or "Are you okay?" When people question me about my feelings I just find it hard to express what's really wrong. Oh wells, I guess this is part and puzzle of growing up.

Till my next post.