Fucked up thoughts

Tell me when I am good enough for anything. Lately i have been having many troubling thoughts and yes, i have become self-conscious with my looks and size recently. Well it's been going on for a while but lately it has been on my head a lot. Each time i see a really good looking guy with the perfect face and body i feel demoralized. I just want to change so bad. I cannot stand the body i am in now. I really hate the fact i've gained so much weight again because i used to look so much better when i was slimmer. I really want someone to push and motivate me again to put in so much effort in slimming down again. I dont care whether my hair is dried or my face has many scars and shit. I just want to really slim down and loose some weight.

Yeah, go on and judge me. I cannot be bothered one bit with people and their comments towards myself and whatever i do. I've realized this world is really fucked up to be living in. Even your friends, you may think they are really your friends but even them. They will stab your backs at times and it hurts but you gotta face the fact. Everyone judges you no matter how "good" they are. No one's perfect and true anymore. Everyone eventually leaves you.

Ranting out in this space wont do me any much difference but i really just gotta let some thoughts out alright? I've also realized i dont really feel like sharing whatever bothers me to anyone anymore because each time they ask me whats wrong i just can't find the words to say really what is bothering me. I just rant it all out either on twitter or force myself to forget about what's bothering me but after a while it will come back.

I dont know what's up with me but it really hurts at times to have these thoughts popping inside your mind and i dont understand why my self-esteem dropped a lot from last time till now. I used to be more confident with my looks and in whatever i do. I'm guessing the thought of being judged seems to be the reason to why i lack of confidence now.

Ironic as it sounds, i'm only turning 16 soon and i am so concerned about my looks. Heh, this is bullshit. I want to be happy again and i will try to change.